After several extended outages, tens of calls, multiple tickets, and physically testing signal next to several towers, I was able to convince support that my problems were not a problem on my end, but rather a systemic/tower problem.
Posting some proof...
Late July (late Aug it was so bad my router couldn't connect/collect stats):
Speeds were 5 down/3 up (when I could connect)
14 down/8 up
A little over a month and I'm still averaging 14 down/8up. Thanks for not changing anything Verizon!